I guess I like to say I'm confident. But I'm not really. I get nervous in front of almost everyone. I am scared to stand up for myself. I never think that I "deserve" things or even have "earned" things. Mostly I'm just talking about work and social situations. But those are two really important things.
I just won't put myself out there. I never have, I hope I will be able to sometimes. I'm just scared to really say what I think. I don't want to offend people. So I have to overthink whatever I want to say. And by the time I have prepared a sentence of some sort, the conversation is over and I haven't participated. The most I really do in conversations is laugh or say "hmmm" or "cool" or "that sucks" or "yeahhh okay". Absolutely nothing of value.
Two person conversations are not much better! I completely miss "implied" things in conversations, mostly jokes. It is always so awkward when the other person is laughing and I'm wondering what's going on. Then I think about what was said and get it, but then it makes me look slow!
I plan conversations in my head before I have them. If I have to talk to someone (at work, at a party, at the store, anywhere), I have to think out all possible scenarios before I can say anything. And if they surprise me by saying something completely different - uh oh!! I have had way too many imaginary conversations.
And with the whole work thing ... I had the opportunity to apply for an amazing position. Did I do it? No, I was too scared to. It would have been perfect for me, exactly what I wanted!! But I just couldn't do it! Now I'm feeling terrible because another opportunity like that may not come around for a few years. Maybe more.
I guess this is more of a rant thing. I really need to get this under control, but I'm scared to start!
I should probably take things step by step. And I have to actually try. Instead of just hiding and pretending this issue doesn't exist.
I just won't put myself out there. I never have, I hope I will be able to sometimes. I'm just scared to really say what I think. I don't want to offend people. So I have to overthink whatever I want to say. And by the time I have prepared a sentence of some sort, the conversation is over and I haven't participated. The most I really do in conversations is laugh or say "hmmm" or "cool" or "that sucks" or "yeahhh okay". Absolutely nothing of value.
Two person conversations are not much better! I completely miss "implied" things in conversations, mostly jokes. It is always so awkward when the other person is laughing and I'm wondering what's going on. Then I think about what was said and get it, but then it makes me look slow!
I plan conversations in my head before I have them. If I have to talk to someone (at work, at a party, at the store, anywhere), I have to think out all possible scenarios before I can say anything. And if they surprise me by saying something completely different - uh oh!! I have had way too many imaginary conversations.
And with the whole work thing ... I had the opportunity to apply for an amazing position. Did I do it? No, I was too scared to. It would have been perfect for me, exactly what I wanted!! But I just couldn't do it! Now I'm feeling terrible because another opportunity like that may not come around for a few years. Maybe more.
I guess this is more of a rant thing. I really need to get this under control, but I'm scared to start!
I should probably take things step by step. And I have to actually try. Instead of just hiding and pretending this issue doesn't exist.
You just made your first step. You said exactly what you're thinking. Now just keep doing that. It'll get easier. :)
ReplyDeleteAhhh I'm working on it :)
ReplyDelete