I guess I like to say I'm confident. But I'm not really. I get nervous in front of almost everyone. I am scared to stand up for myself. I never think that I "deserve" things or even have "earned" things. Mostly I'm just talking about work and social situations. But those are two really important things.
I just won't put myself out there. I never have, I hope I will be able to sometimes. I'm just scared to really say what I think. I don't want to offend people. So I have to overthink whatever I want to say. And by the time I have prepared a sentence of some sort, the conversation is over and I haven't participated. The most I really do in conversations is laugh or say "hmmm" or "cool" or "that sucks" or "yeahhh okay". Absolutely nothing of value.
Two person conversations are not much better! I completely miss "implied" things in conversations, mostly jokes. It is always so awkward when the other person is laughing and I'm wondering what's going on. Then I think about what was said and get it, but then it makes me look slow!
I plan conversations in my head before I have them. If I have to talk to someone (at work, at a party, at the store, anywhere), I have to think out all possible scenarios before I can say anything. And if they surprise me by saying something completely different - uh oh!! I have had way too many imaginary conversations.
And with the whole work thing ... I had the opportunity to apply for an amazing position. Did I do it? No, I was too scared to. It would have been perfect for me, exactly what I wanted!! But I just couldn't do it! Now I'm feeling terrible because another opportunity like that may not come around for a few years. Maybe more.
I guess this is more of a rant thing. I really need to get this under control, but I'm scared to start!
I should probably take things step by step. And I have to actually try. Instead of just hiding and pretending this issue doesn't exist.
I just won't put myself out there. I never have, I hope I will be able to sometimes. I'm just scared to really say what I think. I don't want to offend people. So I have to overthink whatever I want to say. And by the time I have prepared a sentence of some sort, the conversation is over and I haven't participated. The most I really do in conversations is laugh or say "hmmm" or "cool" or "that sucks" or "yeahhh okay". Absolutely nothing of value.
Two person conversations are not much better! I completely miss "implied" things in conversations, mostly jokes. It is always so awkward when the other person is laughing and I'm wondering what's going on. Then I think about what was said and get it, but then it makes me look slow!
I plan conversations in my head before I have them. If I have to talk to someone (at work, at a party, at the store, anywhere), I have to think out all possible scenarios before I can say anything. And if they surprise me by saying something completely different - uh oh!! I have had way too many imaginary conversations.
And with the whole work thing ... I had the opportunity to apply for an amazing position. Did I do it? No, I was too scared to. It would have been perfect for me, exactly what I wanted!! But I just couldn't do it! Now I'm feeling terrible because another opportunity like that may not come around for a few years. Maybe more.
I guess this is more of a rant thing. I really need to get this under control, but I'm scared to start!
I should probably take things step by step. And I have to actually try. Instead of just hiding and pretending this issue doesn't exist.
