My friend, lets call him John, is sharing an apartment with his friend Tom. John kind of "takes care" of the house. Initiates rules (buy your own food, clean up after yourself, etc.), looks after Internet, etc. Likely because John has lived on his own for a number of years and Tom has just started living on his own (please note, John is 21 and Tom is 24 I believe).
Tom does not really understand personal space. Yes, they are friends, but John does not want or need to hear about Tom's entire day. When Tom gets home from work, he will just wander into John's room and talk about his day while John is in the middle of something. Tom seems to think this is okay. John doesn't really like it (I wouldn't either so I can see where he's coming from). Tom is also always wanting to hang out with John. Asking him to see a movie, go out for dinner, stuff like that. He doesn't seem to understand that John has a life and work he needs to do.
Tom also expects John to drive him around everywhere. John has his own car, Tom doesn't (he uses the bus). Is John expected to drive Tom around everywhere? I definitely don't think so! Tom doesn't pay gas, insurance, or for repairs. So why should John have to pick up Tom for work? Tom seems to think this is reasonable.
Tom is getting paid more than John right now. But he spends his money on eating out, girls, alcohol, etc. Which is fine. But he doesn't pay John back for things. Tom eats John's food? John doesn't get anything in return, even though he bought it. John got the Internet, but does Tom ever pay him back for it? Nope.
Now, John is coming to me about this. I'm frustrated with Tom (I know them both but I know John a lot better). John isn't great with confrontation. He is annoyed with Tom but hasn't made many attempts to fix this. He has asked for Internet money a couple of times, but Tom just says he doesn't have money. (Good excuse? No! He shouldn't be using Internet if he can't pay for it.)
I don't know what advice to give to John. I say, just confront Tom. But he can't just outright do that. He doesn't know the words. And doesn't know how to not sound like a jerk for it. I'm kind of just venting for this. I don't understand how Tom can think this is all okay. I guess I could use some advice for John?
Tom does not really understand personal space. Yes, they are friends, but John does not want or need to hear about Tom's entire day. When Tom gets home from work, he will just wander into John's room and talk about his day while John is in the middle of something. Tom seems to think this is okay. John doesn't really like it (I wouldn't either so I can see where he's coming from). Tom is also always wanting to hang out with John. Asking him to see a movie, go out for dinner, stuff like that. He doesn't seem to understand that John has a life and work he needs to do.
Tom also expects John to drive him around everywhere. John has his own car, Tom doesn't (he uses the bus). Is John expected to drive Tom around everywhere? I definitely don't think so! Tom doesn't pay gas, insurance, or for repairs. So why should John have to pick up Tom for work? Tom seems to think this is reasonable.
Tom is getting paid more than John right now. But he spends his money on eating out, girls, alcohol, etc. Which is fine. But he doesn't pay John back for things. Tom eats John's food? John doesn't get anything in return, even though he bought it. John got the Internet, but does Tom ever pay him back for it? Nope.
Now, John is coming to me about this. I'm frustrated with Tom (I know them both but I know John a lot better). John isn't great with confrontation. He is annoyed with Tom but hasn't made many attempts to fix this. He has asked for Internet money a couple of times, but Tom just says he doesn't have money. (Good excuse? No! He shouldn't be using Internet if he can't pay for it.)
I don't know what advice to give to John. I say, just confront Tom. But he can't just outright do that. He doesn't know the words. And doesn't know how to not sound like a jerk for it. I'm kind of just venting for this. I don't understand how Tom can think this is all okay. I guess I could use some advice for John?
Like Maya Angelou says, "When someone shows you who he is, believe him."
ReplyDeleteJohn needs to believe that Tom is who he is. He's going to take advantage as long as John lets him. John shouldn't worry about sounding like a jerk. That's the only way Tom will hear him.
Thanks. You know I agree with you. He has a hard time standing up for himself ... as "unmanly" as that is :p
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